


Welcome to Villain Chat

by alittlegreenrosetta



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Gen, rampant sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 18:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4797473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlegreenrosetta/pseuds/alittlegreenrosetta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Riddler has arranged an online meeting of Batman's enemies to plot against the Dark Knight but soon finds that organizing villains is like trying to herd cats.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

 

 

 

**Welcome to Villain Chat!**

The only chat site exclusively for verified villains.

To join email your alias with the subject line “Let Me In” to ENYGMA@ VillainChat

 

Already a member?

Username:

Password:


	2. The Sestercentennial

VillainChat/Cities/Gotham

 

_InscrutableEd has entered the room._

_UnbirthdayBoy has entered the room._

 

 **InscrutableEd:** Hey Tetch, thanks for joining in on time, you’re the only one who bothered as you can see.

 **UnbirthdayBoy:** I’m never late to anything. It’s a thing… I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the others don’t show up at all.

 **InscrutableEd:** Oh they’ll show up alright. Like I said in the invite, this is big and it involves the Bat. That’s pretty much all you have to say to get Gotham’s worst to show up.

 

_FearItself has entered the room._

 

 **UnbirthdayBoy:** Hello Jonathan.

 **InscrutableEd:** Thanks for joining Dr. Crane.

 **FearItself:** Good Evening Gentleman. I see none of the rabble have turned up yet.

 **InscrutableEd:** Nope, just we super geniuses so far.

 **FearItself:** I don’t suppose you could just tell us what this is all about and I could sign off before having to deal with any thugs or lowlifes?

 **InscrutableEd** : Sorry Crane, this concerns us all.

 

_BowTieDaddy has entered the room._

 

 **BowTieDaddy:** Nygma I’m squeezing you in between meetings here, let’s get this show on the road.

 **InscrutableEd:** Sorry Cobblepot but as you can see many of our members are fashionably late.

 **BowTieDaddy:** Text me when this thing actually starts, I’m a busy man!

 

_BowTieDaddy has left the room._

_HammerandThongs has entered the room._

_LilyGreen has entered the room._

 

 **InscrutableEd:** Welcome ladies, thank you for joining us. Harley where is Joker? This thing is already late starting and I’m not starting without him.

 **HammerandThongs:** Sorry Eddy, he ain’t coming. I won’t tell you what he said you could do with your meeting cause it wasn’t real nice.

 **LilyGreen:** Oh my God, Harley, why is that your username?

 **HammerandThongs:** Gee Red, I think it’s funny. See it’s a play on words. Cause going at something hammer and tongs is to go real crazy which sums me up pretty well plus I like using a hammer. I think you can guess the rest. Lol! :P

 **InscrutableEd:** Harley tell your boss that if he doesn’t get on this chat right now I’m forwarding his address to the Bat. And for the record I like the username.

 **HammerandThongs:** Ok, I’ll tell him but don’t blame me if he ends up blowing up the whole internet or something to get out of it.

 

_FlipACoin has entered the room._

_HammerandThongs has left the room._

 

 **FlipACoin:** Boys, how they hanging? Hey Pammy, what are you doing after the meeting? You wanna come over? We could watch some Netflix and chill…

 **LilyGreen:** Not happening Harvey. I’ve seen what Netflix has to offer and I’m not impressed.

 **FearItself:** Actually they’ve added quite an interesting documentary on fracking I think you would enjoy Pamela.

 **FlipACoin:** Lol, yeah Pammy, come over and let’s frack!

 **LilyGreen:** Hey Harvey, let’s use your coin to decide. Heads you frack yourself and tails you drop dead.

 **FlipACoin:** Ok, I get it, the cucumber harvest has been robust this season and you don’t need me. I’ll just wait for later in the year when there’s nothing phallic growing in the garden.

 **LilyGreen:** Make sure you hold your breath while you're waiting.

 

_TheLastLaugh has entered the room._

 

 **InscrutableEd:** Finally! Let’s get this show on the road!

 

_BowTieDaddy has entered the room._

 

 **TheLastLaugh:** I’m not happy to be here Eddy. Make it quick.

 **LilyGreen:** Get Harley back online, she won’t want to miss the meeting.

 **TheLastLaugh:** Sorry Weed, she can’t talk now, she’s got her mouth full.

 **LilyGreen:** It’s a computer chat room, she doesn’t need her mouth, just her hands.

 **TheLastLaugh:** Oh she’s using her hands too, Daddy has trained her well.

 **FlipACoin:** Alright J! Way to multitask!

 **LilyGreen:** Are you saying what I think you’re saying? If so you are vile and disgusting!

 **TheLastLaugh:** How else do you think she talked me into attending this ridiculous meeting? But don’t get your women’s lib all in an uproar Plant, Daddy J is more than happy to go downtown for a boxed lunch if you know what I mean.

 **LilyGreen:** Just when I thought you couldn’t get more repulsive. What the hell are we here for Eddy?

 **InscrutableEd:** Well as you are probably all aware March 13 th marks Gotham’s sestercentennial.

 **FlipACoin:** What the fuck is that?

 **LilyGreen:** Are you kidding me? No. I have something big brewing for Earth Day, I have no time for this bullshit. Jonathan, Jervis, Oswald, Ed have a good night. Harv and Joker you are both scumbags, please rot in hell.

 

_LilyGreen has left the room._

 

 **InscrutableEd:** A sestercentennial is the 250 th anniversary of the city’s founding. Now I wanted to start planning early because this is something that only happens once. The mayor has set up an event planning committee and I think it would be a good idea for us to decide what response we, as the villain community, are going to prepare.

 **FlipACoin:** Aww this sounds boring and March is six months away. Let’s talk about things that are happening now. J, you really got Harley going down on you over there?

 **TheLastLaugh:** Naw, I was just fucking with the Plant. Her mouth and hands are busy but it’s because she’s eating a sandwich. The boys and I stopped by that deli over on 5 th after our heist. You know the one I’m talking about?

 **FlipACoin:** Never been, is it any good? Is the owner still alive?

 **InscrutableEd:** Their pastrami is out of this world, if Joker didn’t slaughter them all you should go by there sometime.

 **TheLastLaugh:** We didn’t kill anyone. You know any place else in this town to get a decent Ruben?

 **FearItself:** They make the pastrami in house, that’s why it’s so good. The pickles are homemade too and they sell them by the jar.

 **BowTieDaddy:** Did I actually cancel a meeting with a mob boss to watch you idiots talk about a deli?

 **FlipACoin:** We talked about oral sex too, it wasn’t a total waste. I mean it turned out to be fake oral sex but for a couple of minutes there things got real interesting.

 **BowTieDaddy:** Miss Isley was correct in her assessment of you Mr. Dent. Mr. Nygma, I think it shows great foresight that you are getting a head start on this project but this sounds like a plan with very little profit in it. Seems more like a chance to cause chaos and destruction. I’ll leave that to the rest of you. Let me know if you come across a way to score some dough otherwise leave me out of it. Good night, gentlemen.

 

_BowTieDaddy has left the room._

_HammerandThongs has entered the room._

 

 **HammerandThongs:** What’d I miss? Is it over?

 **InscrutableEd:** No Harley, we were just talking about trying to throw a wrench in the city’s plans for the sestercentennial.

 **HammerandThongs:** Wow, 250 years, that’s pretty exciting! Bet we could have lots of fun with that Mr. J!

 **FlipACoin:** Hey Harley, how’d you know what the hell that meant?

 **HammerandThongs:** Why does everyone always forget I’m smart? I have a Ph.D. for fuck’s sake. Do you have a Ph.D. Harv? No, you don’t. So that means I’m one smart dame and don’t you forget it! Right Mr. J?

 **TheLastLaugh:** Sure you are Harley. Listen Eddy, Pengy is right, this is about chaos and destruction which I think we can all agree falls under my purview. So here’s what we’ll do. I’ll make my own plans for an anniversary no one will ever forget. If I find I need help from any pathetic nerds I will call Crane or Tetch or maybe even you Eddy. Until then you will leave me alone to do what I do best. If I catch any of you interfering with my plans or trying to engage with my Batsy on such a special occasion I will end you. Clear everyone?

 **HammerandThongs:** Oh Mr. J, you’re so masterful and commanding! Makes me feel all tingly!

 **FlipACoin:** Got it J. Didn’t really care about all this sistersintingle crap anyway. Hey Harley, next time you talk to Pammy try to put in a good word for your old pal Harvey. See the rest of you on the flip side, lol.

 

_FlipACoin has left the room._

 

 **HammerandThongs:** Hey what happened to Red, did she sign off for some reason?

 **TheLastLaugh:** Long story pooh, Daddy will tell you all about it after the meeting. We can even act it out.

 **HammerandThongs:** Ok puddin’!

 **TheLastLaugh:** What was that Harley?

 **HammerandThongs:** Sorry puddin’! I mean Ok Mr. J!

 **FearItself:** It’s clear that I’m not needed for this and I’m pretty sure Jervis fell asleep with his laptop still open so I’m signing off for both of us. Ed if you want to have another meeting perhaps you should schedule one for civilized villains and a separate one for cretins and jackasses.

 

_FearItself has left the room._

_UnbirthdayBoy has left the room._

 

 **InscrutableEd:** Listen Joker, I know you want to do everything on your own but I think we could work together and really create something that will last the ages.

 **TheLastLaugh:** Oh Eddy, you just don’t get what I’m trying to do here do you pal? I’m not looking to create anything. The last thing I created was Harley and she’s my masterpiece, wouldn’t you agree? No Eddy old boy, all I’m looking to do is destroy. And if you try to have a custody meeting with me over Batman again you’ll be the next thing I destroy. Good Bye Eddy. Harley, sign off and come give Daddy a massage.

 **HammerandThongs:** Yay! Yes Mr. J! Coming Mr. J! Seeya Eddy!

 

_HammerandThongs has left the room._

_TheLastLaugh has left the room._

 

 **InscrutableEd:** Why do I even bother? There’s an unsolvable riddle for you.

 

_InscrutableEd has left the room._

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
